


Mend Me Again

by failufail



Category: Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: M/M, just a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-31
Updated: 2013-10-31
Packaged: 2019-04-06 17:10:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14061543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/failufail/pseuds/failufail
Summary: They’re both waiting for someone to put them back together again.





	Mend Me Again

**Author's Note:**

> Written in October of 2013 for the Amigo Santa Exchange on LJ.

_The person looking back at him is broken._

_He touches the glass gently, hesitantly; almost like he’s afraid that the glass will splinter and crack beneath his fingers. He slowly traces the outline of his face—the one looking back at him._

_He’s broken, and he doesn’t know how to fix himself._

~ ~ ~ ~

“Hi, I’m Akanishi Jin. What’s your name?”

Kazuya blinked. Whoever this kid was, he definitely wasn’t shy.

After a moment of just looking at him, Kazuya finally answered with, “K—Kamenashi. Kazuya.”

“Kame it is, then. You can call me Jin,” he immediately answered. “We’re in the same group. I saw you dancing. I’m all the way in the back—but that’s because I’m taller than you.” He frowned for a split second. “It kind of sucks, though. That just means that they won’t see me when we actually go up to audition.”

Kazuya arched an eyebrow at him in a silent question.

“I really want to get in,” Jin explained, the smile creeping back to his face. “I always wanted to sing. I want to be famous and have people listen to my music. This is the best chance I’ve got right now.”

He swore he could see stars in Jin’s eyes, then. It looked like he really wanted this, whereas Kazuya could still care less. But he couldn’t help but smiling back at the other boy.

“What about you, Kame? Why are you here?”

He automatically shrugged. He didn’t know why he was here instead of at baseball practice.

“I don’t know,” he answered. “Someone sent in the application, and now I’m here. I’m supposed to be at baseball practice, though.”

Jin looked at him for a moment. “You mean, you _don’t_ want to be here?”

Kazuya shrugged again. “I want to play baseball,” he told Jin truthfully. “It’s all I ever wanted to do… but my mom told me I shouldn’t waste this.”

“That’s too bad,” Jin mumbled. The other boy looked disappointed, but it looked like it passed only a second later. “It would be awesome if we both got picked, though. You seem cool.” The smile was back now. “But hey, good luck anyway! You look like you’ve got the steps, so um, do your best!”

For one, Kamenashi Kazuya wasn’t a quitter. Kamenashi Kazuya didn’t do things half-assed either, whether he wanted to be there or not.

With that, Jin got up and walked away.

Kazuya didn’t speak to him again for the rest of his time there, though he did sneak glances behind him, looking to see how Jin was doing. Unfortunately, his place in the front didn’t provide him the best opportunity to actually keep his eyes on the other boy for too long.

It was much later on that Kazuya saw Jin again, after the list of numbers that were chosen were posted. They didn’t speak this time around; rather, Kazuya saw Jin from a distance.

He was at the far end of the room by the exit, the paper with his number on it in his hand. His head was down, and he was walking towards a man sitting at a table. From the looks of it, things didn’t turn out well for him. Truth be told, Kazuya felt a little bad for him, after he found out that he actually wanted this, while Kazuya well… he was just there for the ride.

As the scene unfolded, Jin handed his number to the man sitting at the table. Kazuya couldn’t hear anything they were saying, but _something_ must have happened by the look of things. Instead of Jin handing the man the number and walking out, there was pause as Jin was handing the man his number. He looked up, and the man said something to him. Jin held the man’s gaze for a moment and took back his number. A few moments later, he was walking back toward the crowd of boys that were picked—toward _him_.

The bright smile Kazuya had been greeted with was back on Jin’s face, and as he stopped in front of Kazuya he said, “Looks like I’m staying. Let’s get along, okay?”

~ ~ ~ ~

_It’s supposed to be a fond memory._

_Now, every time he thinks of it, it twists his heart._

~ ~ ~ ~

He was tired, so very tired.

It was his very first main role in a drama. When Jin got the news that he’d be in _Gokusen 2_ with Kame, he was ecstatic. They would get to spend so much time together. They would share scenes because they _were_ cast as best friends, and it would be so perfect. They could run lines together, fight together, laugh together… it was more than Jin could ever ask for.

Except the reality of it was far different from what he imagined.

Sure, everything was better with Kame there, but the infinite hours on the set were almost crippling. Even off the set, they were being taught choreography for their fight scenes, making sure they knew their lines, running to interviews about the drama. It was all so hectic. Sometimes their days would stretch well past the 24-hour mark. He lived on caffeine, and along with it, picked up the habit of smoking. At that point, those were the only things helping him through.

It was also the first time Jin wondered if this was what he really wanted. It was a fleeting thought, one that lasted for merely a fraction of a second, but it had entered his mind.

He was in a trailer, dozing off in one of the seats when Kame found him.

He felt a gentle tug on his sleeve and opened his eyes, rubbing them to get his vision straight. A smile crept onto his face when he saw Kame looking at him.

“We can go home for the day,” he told Jin softly.

Jin opened his mouth to speak, but his voice was a bit hoarse from his almost-nap. Sitting up a bit straighter, he cleared his throat and tried again. “What time do we have to be back tom—later?” If he wanted to be honest with himself, they would probably be granted only a few hours before they had to be on-set again.

Kame sighed, knowing the answer wouldn’t please Jin. “Eight o’clock in the morning.”

“So that gives me what, about four hours of sleep after I make it home?”

“Five if you crash at my place,” Kame said a-matter-of-factly.

“You’re the best, Kazu-chan.” Jin gave his best friend a genuine smile. He pushed himself out of the seat and onto his feet, throwing an arm around Kame. “Let’s go?”

Kame nodded, leaning into Jin and wrapping his arm around his waist, carefully shifting his own weight onto the older one. He was just as tired as Jin was—maybe he didn’t show it quite as openly as Jin did, but at times like these, he didn’t mind it. Jin willingly carried Kame’s weight against him, knowing that the feelings of exhaustion were mutual.

When they got back to Kame’s house, they quickly toed off their shoes in the genkan and used the last of their remaining energy to make their way up the stairs to Kame’s room. They peeled off their clothes and stumbled onto Kame’s futon like they’ve done so many times before. Out of habit, Kame clicked on his projector as soon as they were in bed.

“What’s the point? We’re going to be asleep in like, two seconds,” Jin mumbled, flopping on his stomach and his head buried in a pillow. He had an arm haphazardly thrown around Kame’s waist.

“I like it,” Kame replied with a shrug, eyes scanning the images projected on his ceiling. He knew Jin was right, though. As soon as he would shut his eyes, he’d be asleep.

Jin chuckled in response, burying his face into the pillow.

Before Kame shut his eyes, he heard Jin softly say, “Thanks for taking care of me, Kazu.”

~ ~ ~ ~

_Once upon a time, they were everything to each other._

~ ~ ~ ~

What was once a fleeting thought became a constant nagging in Jin’s head.

It was during the filming of _Anego_ that Jin started feeling on-edge. It was different from the set of _Gokusen_. There wasn’t a gaggle of guys his age goofing off around the set to help him unwind, and Kame wasn’t there to pick him up from a funk or just _be there_ when he needed him. It wasn’t the same anymore.

He thought all the fame and celebrity status that he had wanted as a kid should have felt like heaven, but what he came to realize was that he had to keep working for it. He realized that, and had resolved to do what he needed to do. Just when Jin thought he could handle everything—KAT-TUN’s hopeful debut, constant TV appearances and performances, and his new drama—it all just became too much and he felt like he was about to crash into the ground, with no safety net and no one there to try and catch him. He felt helpless.

At least, that’s what Jin thought at the time.

On a rare day when both he and Kame had a few hours to themselves, they took off to a park that was near the jimusho to eat lunch. It was rare that they had time to spend with each other anymore. Gone were their Junior days, where they could steal away for a couple hours and do what they wanted. Gone were the days when they would just hang out, talking about everything and nothing at all. Gone were the days they’d crash at each other’s places, too exhausted to think until the next day.

It was a rare time, indeed.

They were quiet for the most part, simply enjoying each other’s company.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Jin finally said with a sigh.

Kame looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

Jin took a deep breath and tried again. “I… don’t think I know what I’m doing anymore.”

“What are you talking about?”

Jin took a deep breath. It was shaky. “This… the whole… _thing_. You know, being an idol. I thought… I thought it was supposed to be so different. Now it just feels like I’m being pulled in a million different directions… and I feel like I’m a puppet.”

Kame’s expression seemed worried for a moment, and his eyebrows creased together. He looked at Jin almost like he was examining him. After a minute, his expression softened and he placed his hand over Jin’s. The warmth from Kame’s hand shot through Jin’s body, and Jin couldn’t help but give Kame a smile.

“We’ll be okay, Jin. It’s just the beginning. We’ll debut soon, and then…”

“It’ll just get crazier,” Jin mumbled under his breath.

Kame just smiled at Jin reassuringly. “But we’ll be together, you know?” He squeezed Jin’s hand that was still resting beneath his. This time, Kame let out a shaky breath, almost hesitating before his next words. His eyes flickered away from Jin’s for a split second. “And it’s better, you know. When you’re… when we’re together.”

An awkward silence seemed to blanket the air around them for a moment.

Jin’s eyes scanned Kame’s face carefully, noting the physical changes in his appearance as of late. He’d been getting too slim for his own good. It was actually scary for Jin to see him like this, and especially since he knew the reason why. It was the same reason why he was feeling so helpless lately; long days and barely enough sleep.

So he shoved an onigiri in Kame’s face.

“Eat it. You need to eat. You look like you’re wasting away in front of my eyes,” he told Kame.

Kame stared at the food in front of his face, his eyes going crossed.

“And if I eat it all, you know I’ll get fat and there goes our chance of ever debuting together…” Jin said exaggeratingly, huffing and rolling his eyes. With a somewhat shy smile he added, “How would I be able to take care of you then?”

Kame’s chest bubbled with laughter and he grabbed the onigiri from Jin, taking a big bite.

He didn’t realize that his hand never left Jin’s, and Jin never made a move to pull away.

~ ~ ~ ~

_The longer he stares at his reflection, the more broken it seems._

_The face that everyone sees on the outside—the one that everyone thinks is perfect in every way—isn’t the same as what he sees in himself. He’s a broken shell of a man, waiting patiently for someone to put him back together again._

_He wonders if he’s been waiting for too long._

_He wonders if someone is even there to pick up the pieces anymore._

~ ~ ~ ~

“…but I don’t understand! Why, Jin? _Why?!_ ”

There was a pained expression on Kame’s face. He looked hurt, of course, but mostly disappointed. This kind of news wasn’t made to be taken lightly. He didn’t expect Kame to react in any way less. Even though Jin was expecting it, it didn’t make him feel any less guilty. Telling his closest friend that he was going to take a hiatus from everything, especially one out of the country, was hard.

Hard for Kame to hear it.

Hard for Jin to say it.

But he had to tell Kame before he found out from somewhere else.

“You already know why,” Jin said quietly.

Kame shook his head like he didn’t want to face it, let alone hear it.

“Kame…”

He kept shaking his head, his head bent down. Jin couldn’t see his face. When he reached out to place a hand on Kame’s arm, he jerked away, finally lifting his head. There were tears streaked down his cheeks, and they were still flowing.

Jin tried to reach out for Kame again, but he took another jerky step back, almost afraid to feel Jin’s touch.

“You’re leaving me,” Kame said quietly, looking away.

“I’m not leaving _you_ ,” Jin told him, taking a step closer. “I’m leaving…” His voice cracked for a second. “I’m leaving _this_.” He made a gesture with his hand to the air around them.

Kame snapped his head back to Jin, seemingly offended by his words.

“No, I didn’t mean…” Jin ruffled his hair, getting annoyed at the lack of correct words. He took a deep breath and tried again. His eyes were soft, and his tone delicate. “Kazu, I’ve told you before that I… didn’t know what I was doing anymore. What I wanted… I didn’t know if this was it anymore.” He looked away for a split second, trying his best to steer away from the “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation. He frowned because it seemed like there was no other way this could go. “I need to find out if _this_ —this whole convoluted life of being an idol—is what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I need to step back, and this is the only chance I’ve got.” He took another deep breath, and yet another step closer to Kame. “But the last thing I want to do is leave _you_.”

This time, when he reached out to place a hand on Kame’s shoulder, he didn’t flinch or move away.

“You…” Jin started, his voice quiet and soothing, “you are the only person who can keep me grounded. You’re the only one who can pull me back.”

“Then why can’t I do it now?” Kame asked softly, another tear rolling down his cheek. He sounded helpless. Maybe he was.

Jin wrapped his arms around the frail-looking figure in front of him, enveloping the younger boy in a comforting hug.

What Kame didn’t know what that he _was_ pulling Jin back. And it made leaving all that much _harder_.

~ ~ ~ ~

_I can’t do this again._

~ ~ ~ ~

It felt like home again, with Kame’s hand securely wrapped around his.

This was home.

_He_ was home.

Kame was _always_ Jin’s home.

The crowd around them roared, and Jin’s heart fluttered in his chest.

~ ~ ~ ~

_Things change, and people change. That’s just a part of life._

_Sometimes it’s for the better, but sometimes it makes you wonder if that person shed away the part you liked best about them like it was an annoying second skin, or a set of clothes they grew out of, leaving nothing familiar of the person you once knew._

_And it hurts. It hurts a lot._

~ ~ ~ ~

“I’m free for the night. Want to head to my place and watch a movie or something?” Kame asked Jin casually after rehearsal that day.

Jin, who was currently packing a few stray clothes and a water bottle in his bag, turned around. He looked a little surprised at Kame’s offer. He blinked a few times, and peered at Kame curiously. It had been a while since the two of them hung out. It had been months, actually.

Since his return, he noticed that management had been pulling Kame everywhere, doing everything. The only time Jin actually saw Kame was during KAT-TUN practices and meetings. Outside of work, neither of them had made the effort to spend time with each other, and it was understandable, even to Jin. Kame was busy. They were still friendly to each other, but something between them had changed, and Jin couldn’t put his finger on what that was.

That’s why it was such a surprise to Jin that Kame was asking to hang out.

"Jin?"

"Oh." Jin was brought out of his thoughts. He frowned, already knowing the answer. "I can't... I've got plans with Pi and Ryo."

Which was true. They had plans to hit up a new club.

"Oh."

Jin didn't miss the disappointment flash across Kame's face, but it was just as quickly covered up by a pleasant and understanding smile.

"Some other time, then," Kame sighed and slung his own bag over his shoulder. He nodded to Jin once and made his exit.

Jin stood there and watched as Kame disappeared through the door.

It was easy enough to cancel plans with Pi and Ryo, and Jin knew it. In fact, there were times in the past that he would do just that to hang out with Kame.

Everything had been different since after they ended their _Cartoon KAT-TUN II You_ live shows. At first, everything seemed to be the same. The group dynamic in general seemed to fall into place again. He and Kame were good; they were the same as before he left. Well, as far as Jin could tell. He felt like he could do this again, like it was what he wanted to keep doing. The time away had done him well. It was after the live shows that he and Kame started to drift apart. Jin knew that it wasn't his fault, really. Kame was busy, and that was understandable. His star was shining, and Jin couldn't be happier for him.

Maybe it was his fault that he let Kame drift away. Jin didn't make the effort to spend time with Kame, instead opting to hang out with his other friends. He didn't want to be a bother, and he figured that the precious time off that Kame hand, he would want to use to rest... and Jin didn't want to get in the way of that. So even if he wanted to hang out, Jin wouldn't ask.

_Next time_. Jin would definitely agree to it next time. Or maybe he'd be the one to ask next time.

He nodded determinedly to himself as he slung his own bag over his shoulder and left.

Later that night, Kame crawled into bed and flipped on the old projector that he still kept next to his bed. It always made him feel safe, and could still do the job of lulling him to sleep.

The only thing that was missing was the warm arm flung across his waist, and the mess of fluffy hair on the pillow next to him. It had been a long time since he'd seen that next to him— _felt_ that next to him.

Kame felt goosebumps on his skin when he finally fell asleep that night.

And Jin never got that next time.

~ ~ ~ ~

_His gaze falls from the mirror and to the sink, staring at the cold water running down the drain._

_A splash of water to his face, and his facade clicks into place again. He looks into the mirror and perfection is there again. Nothing looks broken, nothing looks marred._

_His heart feels empty._

~ ~ ~ ~

The news came more impersonally this time.

A press conference. Aired on TV.

He didn't even get to see it. He heard about it, and saw it on the news later.

On one hand, he wasn't surprised that he'd be finding out this way. It had been years since they'd shared even a moment of privacy together. Even just a moment. They barely saw each other anymore, save for KAT-TUN business. They were still cordial to each other when they did, but they were practically strangers these days.

Kame saw it coming. Something like this was bound to happen one day. He noticed Jin's increasing withdrawal from the group—from _him_. By then it was too late to say anything; at least, that's what Kame thought. They weren't best friends anymore, they weren't even anything remotely close to friends. They knew each other, but no longer on a personal level. They were just a step above being acquaintances. He had no right to say anything, and there really was nothing to say.

Not anymore. What was done, was done.

Part of Kame was happy for Jin. He got what he wanted, what he'd hoped for. He finally reached his goal, his dream. Kame knew this all along, but part of him still felt like that helpless boy who cried in Jin's arms the day he told him he was leaving for the first time. 

This time there were no arms to cry into.

There was just the TV in his empty apartment that showed Jin's smiling face.

Kame sniffled and turned it off.

~ ~ ~ ~

_I need to let you go._

~ ~ ~ ~

Jin’s flight to LA was the next day.

A picture peeked out at him as he rummaged through his bedside drawer, looking for the spare key to his apartment. He pulled the picture out, and stared at it, stopping his search for the time being. He sat down on his bed and ran his fingers over the withering edges of the photograph. An involuntary smile graced his face as he looked at it.

The two boys in the picture were merely just a memory now. Their smiling faces held nothing but happiness. It was a time before all the fame and fortune. If Jin had the choice, he would go back to that moment. They were so happy then. He had Kame then, and Kame had him. It was the beginning, and it was the end.

Apart from everything that happened (or didn’t happen) between them, he still cared for Kame. Jin could never deny that, no matter how much he tried.

He wondered what Kame thought about all this. Back then, Jin wouldn’t have hesitated to ask him about it, and if it was the right thing to do. It wasn’t even an option this time around. Their relationship was so deteriorated that Jin expected Kame to bid him “good riddance” and that would be the end of it. All signs pointed to that type of reaction.

But were things really that bad between the both of them? Jin wasn’t so sure about that. They drifted, that was for sure, to the point of not talking, not hanging out. Yet, there was no bad blood between them. They didn’t fight. They didn’t _hate_ each other.

So what did that mean?

It took a second for Jin to decide. He grabbed his keys, forgetting about the spare key he was initially looking for, and jumped in his car.

It was a crazy idea, but he had to go.

About twenty minutes later, he was at Kame’s doorstep, ringing his doorbell. He didn’t know if he was home or not. More than likely, he wouldn’t be. Jin knew he was taking a chance.

A minute or two later, he heard someone shuffling to the door.

“Jin?” 

Jin took a deep breath and without hesitation, wrapped his arms around Kame and pulled him into a tight hug. After a few moments of stunned silence, and the pleasant surprise of Kame not pushing him away but not returning the hug either, Jin softly whispered, “Tell me I’m not wrong.”

He felt Kame take a breath, and he stiffened in Jin’s arms.

“Tell me I’m not wrong,” Jin repeated.

Kame’s arms hesitantly wrapped themselves around Jin, and he rested his forehead against Jin’s shoulder. “You’re not,” he said weakly, almost afraid of the words that were coming out of his mouth. “You’re not. I... missed you. I’m _going_ to miss you.”

Jin’s grip eased and he pulled back to look at Kame. His head was still slightly bowed, and he could have sworn he heard a sniffle. He had to fight the urge to reach out and tilt his head up.

“You’re still the only one who can keep me grounded, and you’re still the only one who can pull me back,” Jin told him softly.

Kame looked up, a single tear trailing down his cheek. He was smiling. “But I’m not going to,” he said with a shake of his head. “How can I? You need to chase your dream, stupid. I can’t hold you back from that.”

Jin reached for Kame’s hand and pulled him back into a gentler hug. “Thank you,” Jin whispered and brushed his lips against Kame’s forehead. It felt like a huge weight being lifted off his chest. “But you… will _you_ be okay?”

Kame chuckled. “I’m always okay.”

“I’ll be back,” Jin assured him. “I won’t be gone forever.”

_You’re still my home_. That never changed, and the moment he thought of it, his heart fluttered in his chest again.

“I’m… what?” Kame asked, pulling back a little.

Did he say that out loud?

“Home,” Jin muttered after a brief hesitation. He knew his cheeks were flushed just then.

There was an awkward silence for a moment, Kame staring at him, unsure. Jin couldn’t tell what he was thinking. There was something, maybe a spark, in his warm brown eyes. He felt Kame’s arms wrap around his neck carefully, hesitantly.

Without much warning, Kame pushed himself up, and before his lips brushed against Jin’s he whispered, “Tell me I’m not wrong.” And then he let his lips meet Jin’s.

It was such a soft touch, the lightest touch of lips against lips. There was so much nervousness, so much hesitation that Jin didn’t even know if it counted as a kiss. It was over before it even started. Jin looked at Kame, who was biting his bottom lip, eyes closed, waiting for a reaction from Jin, their foreheads pressed against each other.

“No, you’re not,” was Jin’s simple answer, and this time he closed the small gap between them, pressing his lips to Kame’s for a proper kiss.

They pulled apart, smiling.

“You’re my home, too.”

~ ~ ~ ~

_It’s not the same anymore, but it’s a start._

_A new start. A different start._

_The broken pieces are slowly being swept up._

_His heart isn’t empty anymore._


End file.
